Does telling a client to relax really help them?

We all have clients that keep their arm held in the air for you. I remember doing that myself during my first massage! You'd think a girl growing up dancing her whole life would have the body awareness to know that she was doing this, but I didn't know what I didn't know. I was on a massage table, so in my mind, I was relaxed! And not until it was brought to my attention did I realize that I was holding, otherwise, I had no idea! 

Our clients experience this too. They simply don't know what they don't know, and for us to tell them to relax may be unchartered territory for them. They certainly have an understanding of what "relaxed" is supposed to be, but not necessarily the understanding in a feeling sense, or to know that there is a different felt sense. If they haven't had the awakened experience of what that feels like, they don't have that experience to fall back on. Our minds are habitually wired. We tend to do what we have done before, whether we know it or not. How we think and hold our bodies runs on that same loop. How we move is often unconscious.  Those patterns show up for our clients on our tables and we can help them with it.

There is a very important clarification in how we can best help them. Notice the difference in the two ways we can work with this. The first is to tell them to relax. "Relax". This can send a message of, "you are supposed to be relaxed and you're not doing it right." This may be frustrating for them since they probably didn't even realize that they weren't, and then they can feel like they are doing something wrong.

The second option is a more empowering option and helps them become aware of it without judgement or blame. You may ask something like, "Did you know that you are holding your arm up?"  or " What would it feel like to drop your arm into my hands?". I'll sometimes say, "I got you", and offer that it's just a pattern and patterns can change. 
 
There is no end to how deep we can explore into movement patterns. It's nothing short of fascinating, and yet simple at the same time. Once a body-mind has felt a new way to move, feel and sense, then it has that forever. It's just how many times do we need reminders to tip the scales in favor of the new feeling.

One example how this shows up in our own bodies is when you catch yourself hunching your shoulders up to your ears. We all do it. Do you proceed with getting frustrated and looping degrading words to ourselves, "I'm doing it again, my shoulders are up, grrrr". Again, the thought that you are doing something wrong shows up.  A gentler mind set that realizes that changing patterns just need continual resets. "Hello shoulders, remember that you can soften and hang off your bones?" "What does it feel like to allow my shoulders to gently fall towards the ground?" Ahh, much better. 

I hope that you see that by asking a question, it is far more powerful and effective than a statement. One small yet very powerful shift. Have fun with playing with this for yourself and your clients.  Let me know how it goes for you!

If you are interested in learning more, I have two Intro to Somatic Principles workshops coming up in September. Please feel free to contact me for a conversation to see if you would like to incorporate this into your practice. 

​Linda